…for everyone

A little thing happened Eroticon weekend in Camden that left me feeling upset… Not at the conference I hasten to add, which is brilliant and lovely, but as a sort of side effect.

I am someone who struggles to be confident with my body. It doesn’t conform to media portrayals of femininity.

When I was 12 I reached my full height of 180cm, (6ft) and my feet were a 42 (size 8). All the cute boys came to my elbows if I was lucky. I was straight hipped and broad shouldered and although I didn’t really understand it at the time, gender and sexuality confused.

And flat chested… relatively. A cups easily flattened under a vest, far more pecs than boobs. And this continued for years.

No, I’m not posting someone else’s pictures… 4 babies later and I have the other problems.

The thing that happened wasn’t lingerie related. It was shoes. Round the corner from the hotel I stayed at was the Doc Martens’ store. And I really wanted a pair. The front of shop was full of beautiful boots, from holographic finishes and velvet to plain black with rainbow stitching. But I now wear a UK 10 or 11. First, I was ignored in favour of the cuter, hipster customers, which normally would have been my cue to leave. the universal sign of “you don’t fit here”. But I had Eroticon confidence running through my veins, so I toughed it out and eventually asked how would I know which shoes I could get in my size.

I was directed down a set of stairs to the clearly labelled men’s department.

There was a choice of black, burgundy or vegan.

I walked out.

How does this relate to lingerie? My chest has done the opposite. From masculine to maternal. But I still can’t buy bras. I walk into shops and ask for my size and get askance looks.

I had stopped asking. The bra that I dug out from the back of the draw for last week’s photo was last worn between babies two and three, had lost wires and yet, I hadn’t thrown it away because I knew I couldn’t replace it. I had the grand total of 3 serviceable bras, one nude, two black, left in the world, and like shoe shopping I had lost the nerve to go looking for something more pretty than serviceable.

Twelve websites later, and I found somewhere that had my size, in a choice of styles and at a price I could afford.

I hate to be made to feel less because of my size and my height. I hate the assumptions made about what I might be like based on things over which I have no control. I didn’t ask for the F cup chest I have now, any more than I wanted the A cups I wore through my teenage years anymore than I want size 10 feet.

I ordered a new bra… and it fit.

I can’t begin to express how that feels.

4 Replies to “…for everyone”

  1. I hear this. I hear this so deep in my bones and i am ELATED that you found a fit and you are happy with it, because your changing body is beautiful and this red bra sets it off like fireworks. Lingerie IS for everyone. I believe that, and now I hope you do too! Thank you for sharing such a personal story and such a stunning picture. And to everyone that made you feel that “you don’t fit here”, let me just say: you DO, here. Please keep coming back, you’re so welcome, no matter what the world says. xo

    1. Thank you Violet x Whilst I love a good read, I am so sick of pocket sized heroines. Hate it when shopping online, stuff in my size is labelled as suitable for transvestites and drag queens…I can really empathize with the disenfranchisement of people who are misgendered. But eventually, after a few websites that were rubbish, bra shopping this time was a revelation as F and even G cups were available and shown on suitably sized models and it was the size it claimed when it arrived, so maybe things have opened up in the last year or two.

  2. Oh Wow – this story is such an illustration of the brutality of the concepts of normal or average. I hate that your ‘dimensions’ have made people pigeonhole you, made you feel less than.

    I do however take away some good things from your post – same as you that you found a bra which fits & is sensible price. ALSO
    1) that Eroticon made you feel empowered and confident
    2) you’ve found this meme, joined in and let us all tell you how gorgeous and awesome you are. Because you ARE!

    1. Thank you Posy. Will sell how awesome Eroticon is to anyone who will listen! Not sure about gorgeous and awesome, but getting to grips with acceptable! I have a daughter, so the need to actually walk the walk of confidence is of increasing importance. OH is tall and our children are all due to reach mid 190cms…She is wearing age 10-11 at age 6 with size 3 feet, so soon she is going to hit the presumptions about bigger girls…so we already have her involved in sports where tall is an advantage. Who would have thought posting here was for my parenting confidence!

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